July Reflections

I came to terms recently why I have been having such a hard time trusting people and why it's very hard for me to put myself out there to show I care. It's a scary thing for me because of my experiences, but I also realized today had I not have gone through those things I'd still be hung up on Chris being gone and I wouldn't have moved on, I wouldn't be the strong person I am today.I somehow need to find the courage inside myself to move past the fear of taking risks.It's holding me back from becoming the wonderful person I'm meant to become and meant to be.

June 2012 Reflections

changes and situations....they happen to everyone.Honestly speaking, you can either let the changes happen or you can fight the changes and they will happen whether you fight them or don't.It's what we learn and what we make of the changes that we've been given and how we handle them.The same with our situations in life. You can let your situation or even people control you, or you can take control of your own life...what matters is making the best out of the situation or changes that you've been given.Do your best in what you do and stop letting what others think or say about you determine who or what you do, you are in control of what you do and of who you are. As long as you can look in the mirror and be happy with what you're doing and who your working on becoming.... if you can accept you for you, you don't need anyone else to give you confidence.Waiting on someone else to make you happy, is the quickest road to make you sad.
I let people mistaken my kindness and caring for weakness and now I'm not afraid to speak my mind. I don't speak my mind to be cruel.Some people will tell you lies to make you feel better about yourself.These are people who are fake to your face and behind your back will gossip about you to all your friends and whoever.There are people who don't cut corners because, it's not about what you WANT to hear, but more about what you NEED to hear. They tell you the blunt honest truth so you can better yourself- other known as constructive criticizing.They tell you what you need to hear so that you can make the right kind of changes so you can continue to productively become a better person by learning invaluable lessons. But understand that anything I say is always your choice in what to do with.

2012 - insight and clarification

Well this insight to my situation came up due to a friends situation they are going through.But the insight was also from my own advice which I don't know really where it came from it just popped out of nowhere. Sometimes it can be hard when others don't receive or feel the same about you as you would for them whether in a relationship together or not but we need to respect and try to understand if they don't receive our feelings for them.Trying to "make" someone feel that way for you by pushing your feelings on someone  is pointless and it can ruin the friendship if the behavior isn't stopped. I have worked very hard at trying to make certain friendships work and this was something I had learned in the situation and in the end a long period of space gave us time to grow up and to think over things as well as grow and mature into better people.

when you're constantly being there for people when going through hard times it can sometimes hinder people from learning valuable lessons. We can't get through life hanging onto someone elses hand.They have got to learn to grow up and sometimes you have to show others tough love for their own good.At some point you have to decide between letting the individual walk on you or show them a real friend by showing them tough love that's going to shape them in the end.

I had started kinda being this way without really realizing it. I wanted to show someone I am with how much I care only to find out it was that I cared too much for them and everyone else and not enough about myself.I had been in a relationship where I hadn't taken the time to do so and didn't want to take the risk of losing someone truly great (after spending YEARS waiting and searching for them) because of that mistake.He assured me neither of us is going anywhere and that he wasn't the type of guy who needed all that neediness towards someone.He told me matter of factually for him things were as simple as looking over and smiling at me being there and at us smiling and laughing and things not being so stressful.We both are more than either of us imagined being and we both are happy together, we love each other and think of each other as awesome and great people.I couldn't have asked for anything better and now that i know that, I think I can stop freaking out because I know that he's willing to stick by my side and has proved on a lot of situations where he could have just said "screw this" and he didn't.  Just like I gave him all my heart and his to me,He gave me all his patience and support instead of me feeling bad for asking for it.I don't know why I feel so bad for asking but I love him for being more gracious and supportive and respectful than I've ever been shown by anyone.I couldn't have asked for anyone any better to make me happier than I've ever been.

Letting Go

Where to start in the obstacles of change, I don't even know where to begin.I haven't always been the most honest
person when it comes to my past. Not because I have anything to hide but because of how painful it can sometimes
still be for me.It's like re-opening old scars that I've thought had healed over only to find out there's a new
level of healing that needs done.Not a lot of people know about the abandonment and rejection i went through in
foster care with my mom, the abandonment I've felt towards many who have just poofed out of my life like it only
effects them and their lives when I would do everything I could to show that I'm a good loyal friend or a good
spouse.No, don't even say you're sorry. Though these things may be a sad thing I went through, I'm glad I did
because of the strong courageous person it has made me to become.It also shows me the type of person I don't
want to be or to become.I'm willing to bet we can all relate when it comes to rejection, abandonment,abuse,
betrayal,cheating,manipulation,two-faced friends and family,the list goes on.I don't want pity or for people
to say I'm sorry because it's no ones fault and, because I'm comming to that point in my life where my healing
has brought me to a place of letting go of the actions of others. I don't want to be a product of my past.none
of us have to be it's all a matter of mind over matter and, it's all a matter of what are you really gaining from
holding onto all that pain besides torturing ourselves as well as other people who see and feel the hurt we feel?
I remember when my Aunt and I lived with my mom and step dad for a while.I knew my step Dad had treated my mom
wrong a couple times in their marraige,but my mom had lied to us all for her own reasons I'm guessing.So when we
moved out there we had no idea what we had gotten ourselves into. After seeing the type of behavior he displayed
for a good couple months and saw what my mom had put up with for years I had had enough.I couldn't try to solve
the situation with him anymore when all he wanted to do was be self righteous in every aspect of the word, and
to fight.I just couldn't do it anymore with my moms step husband.He had treated all of us like crap.I wished
so much that someone would recognize what he was doing and do something about it, so he would stop hurting all
of us.I didn't want to be bitter, yet it was very hard for me not be towards him. His pride and self-
righteousness would blind himself to most if not everything of what he was doing, and how he was harming everyone
around him.I didn't consider myself any better because we as human beings feel anger and will at one point or
another do or say or think things we shouldn't and most of the time don't mean.It's important to acknowledge when
we have problems because lets face it, everyone has problems.At the time I was trying to get a job so I could get
some kind of help to help me overcome the issues I was facing.YEARS of abuse and mistreatment and always being
calm about it all, eventually wears you thin in general, but a person is always responsible for how THEY act.
However, if a individual doesn't acknowledge their issues(or that they even have any), doesn't want to change,
what do you do? Because you love them do you let them torture and kill you inside until there's nothing of you
left?In the end you have to decide what is right for you, we all bleed, we all feel the same emotions if not some
more than others or less than others.
That and more have I not shared. the abuse I went through for 5 years off and on always thinking I could change
him when I came to learn after many stubborn knocks on my head that it wasn't worth all the pain and lies and
abuse.You cannot change someone who is so full of hatred and animosity towards everyone and who is not willing to
change no matter after many chances you've given him for him to only come back full circle to being the same
hateful person.I fought long and hard but I knew that if I stayed I would get physically hurt so I left him to
move on in my life which was very hard for me to do because we had been friends for may years before we had
dated.
But now I have peace after have letting him go 100% including our friendship. It may not have been the
resolvement or closure I had been looking for, but it was what we both needed to move on without eachother so we
could find what makes us both happy and so we could stop hurting eachother.
I don't hold the hatred for him I once did,I even wish him the best things in life and hope that someday he would
find the happiness in someone else that I couldn't give to him.

Getting Personal and Serious

Sometimes,girls/women need to know their still loved just as much as when you first met them......That no matter how irrational their being or acting, everything will be alright no matter how many times you have to tell her over the same thing.

Obstacles

"Obstacles are not meant to be walked away from. Obstacles are meant to help you grow and mature into a better person,to make wiser decisions no matter what the situation is, while helping you overcome them.Either way, I'm in control of my life not anyone else. From this time on I'll decide what stays in and what goes out, and I'll do it without regret and, without looking back and second guessing myself"~Monica R. Norris

 As I'm growing into the mature adult that I'm becoming, I don't think of myself so high and mighty that I don't remember or take notice of my own mistakes I've made. They have helped me grow and mature into the strong person I am today.I've been doing a lot of searching in my life and have found people who call themselves my blood family or friends who in reality, are just titles.I've tried working stuff out with my friends and my family....only to have wasted my energy and efforts because it ends up going nowhere with problems not being solved, but they end up being so much drama.I've never understood the mentality of viewing yourself as above everyone instead of at a level ground of equalness, and I've never understood being fake to others.It just doesn't make sense to me no matter how many times I go over the situations in my head or pray about it. There's a MASSIVE difference between hearing friends vent about what frustrates them about someone and offering them advice to help in their frustrations with a common friend or family, and then talking and gossiping about them behind their back to BOTH parties. As family or friends, we should never be like that. Because when you decide to act like that, you're not being a real family or friend.You're just acting the size of you're shoe or acting like you're still in high school rather than acting like the adult that most of us are and know better how to act. In no way am I saying it's not okay to make mistakes, because it is. It's how we learn to grow up and become better people.I've tried beyond myself to selflessly show certain people I care and love them both inside my friends and my blood family only to be treated like complete crap.Like their too good for me and that my best is never enough, and never will be met to their perfect standards.
 I don't believe in running away from obstacles, but I think seperating myself from these people is the best interest for myself and for the people involved. Maybe someday they will grow up; until then I'm just gonna work on me and on my life to become a better person. I'm all for turning the other cheek, but there's got to be a line of enough is enough before you start really hating each other. I'm a human being, not a God, and by no means am I ever perfect, I'm the biggest example of not being perfect.

Time to Grow Up

So my mind was restless as I started to toss and turn around 4 am but it was worth it when I came to an epiphany and acceptance about things lately. People will act how they choose to act, that is never our problem. Nor is it within our sanity to try and control how others act as it's stupid to even try, as it is senseless.As long as I know I've given my best in things I know I can walk away without looking back at whom I'm either leaving behind, or just letting them get some distance so they can grow up as well as myself. Something about evolving, is you have to be willing to make mistakes and accept the commen factor that you are a human being and the same vice versa. Because if we didn't make mistakes we wouldn't have those opportunities to evolve or grow or mature and that is HOW we do those things. You cannot solve things by being petty and you cannot kill a situation by adding more fuel to the fire to keep it going; whether its whom is directly involved or other people as observers.The other thing is if you stay negative about things you will turn bitter as will your words so, no matter what's going on in life always find something in each day to be thankful and positive about. I'm not saying don't acknowledge that life can suck, because there are times it does.But life is such a short thing, why spend it always being negative about things? You never know when your time is up here.